Childhood Sexual Abuse Colors The World Dark

Childhood sexual abuse has only become a societal issue in the past several decades. Consequently there is a lack of research, much of which began in the 1980’s. Finkelhor and Brown (1986) defined sexual abuse as any sexual activity involving a child under eighteen in which the other person is five or more years older than the child and in which any implicit or explicit coercion is used. Because of this power differential, older adolescents or adults are able to lure younger children into a sexual relationship which they do not have the maturity to give consent. Sexual abuse itself can be any number of intrusiveness behaviors ranging from pornography to exhibitionism to penetration (Wickham and West, 2002).
About 20% of females and 10% of males will experience sexual abuse during their childhood. There is no set of symptoms with predictable sequelae for abuse. Abuse is not a just a traumatic event that happens sometime in the child’s life. It is enmeshed in the fabric of a dysfunctional family of origin and entwined in the conditioning process that occurred before and following abuse (Finkelhor, 1990). The combination of the already distorted family relationships, the event itself, and the condition contributes to the child’s maladaptive functioning. Abuse twists the child’s cognitive and affective capacities (Finklhor, 1990) and thus colors the way he or she views life.
Written by Evelyn Wenzel LCSW, CAP. Mrs. Wenzel works with many sexually abused children, adolescents and adults in the Orlando area. For individual or group therapy, contact her at Total Life Counseling (407) 248-0030. www.totallifecounseling.com
References
Finkelhor, D. Early and long-term effects of child sexual abuse: An update. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 21, 325-330.
Finkelhor, D., & Brown, A. (1986). Impact of child sexual abuse: A review of the research. Psychological Bulletin, 99,66-77.
Wickham, R., & West, J. (2002). Therapeutic Work with Sexually Abused Children.
Sage Publications.

Man's Best Friend- 0r Foe? Do Bites create Physical and Psychological Damage

Cartoons represent dog bites as silly, seemingly harmless events. The truth is far more serious. A large percentage of dog attacks leave their victims with debilitating scars, both physical and psychological. The sound of dogs barking or even venturing outdoors can become a fear provoking situation. Because dogs target the face, neck and head of a child, reconstructive surgery is often required. Even with these surgeries, a child may remain disfigured. So not only do these children have to face corrective surgery, they also may have difficulty finding friends.

It is not unusual for children as well as adults to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from dog attacks. These attacks may remain very traumatic and stress provoking long after the bites occur.

If you have suffered from a dog bite and have continued fears, nightmares, and difficulties handling difficult situations with life, contact Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP for a PTSD evaluation. It is possible to recover from this trauma and gain a better capacity to deal with the difficulties stemming from this very terrifying occurrence.

The Center for Disease Center and the American Veterinarian Association reveal a great deal of statistical information about dog bites. Did you know that:

Children are the most frequent targets
The highest incident rate is for 5-9 year olds
For children 10 and under, 77% of injuries are to the face, neck, and head
The family dog was the aggressor in 47% of the attacks on children 4 and under.
4.7 million attacks per year
800,000 of these require medical attention
386,000 require emergency room treatment
32 people died in 2007 from dog mauling and 3 of those were in Florida
Three breeds most likely to bit are Pit bulls, Rottweilers and German Shepards
Pit bull comprise 1/3 of all fatal dog bites
Male dogs ages 1-5 are three times more likely to bite than spayed or neutered animals
Chained dogs are 2.8 times more likely to bite than unchained dogs
Majority of dog attacks occurred at home or at a friend’s house
Insurance companies pay out about $1 billion dollars per year due to dog bites

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.
About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel,MSW,LCSW,CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression,Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports at http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

I have heard of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but never understood what it is. Could you provide some information about this disorder?

PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is related to surviving a traumatic event, in which you feel your life or someone else's life is threatened. These events can be catastrophic, such as natural disasters, terrorist attacks, and war zones. Often times the event may be more individualized, such as a serious car accidnet, physical or sexual abuse, or animal attack.

Most people respond to life threatening event with some fear after the event, but it goes away after a few months. Even if they develop PTSD after the initial trauma, 1 out of 3 people's symptoms resolve shortly. For those who lives remain disrupted, cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective treatment. Interestinly, some people do not develop symptoms for months or years after the initial event.

309.81 DSM-IV Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following have been present:

(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others (2) the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note: In young children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.

(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.

(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur upon awakening or when intoxicated). Note: In young children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur.

(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma

(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than one month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor

Helpful websites include: www.aest.org.uk; www.ncptsd.va.gov

Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP works with many clients suffering from PTSD. For a free 15 minute consultation, call (407)248-0030.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel,MSW,LCSW,CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports at http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Car Accidents

I recently received a phone call asking, “Is it possible to have PTSD after a car wreck? I thought this disorder mainly occurred in veterans or child abuse survivors.”Absolutely! Car accidents can certainly be traumatic! You don’t have to experience military combat or childhood abuse to develop it. The probability of developing PTSD increases if you or someone else was seriously injured, felt out of control, believed you were in grave danger, or experienced a previous car accident or another traumatic incident.

People rarely expect that a car accident could have such far ranging psychological consequences as PTSD.  After an accident, people may fear riding in a car, driving by the accident site, jump when they hear sirens, experience nightmares, and may not be able to articulate what happened to them. Getting to sleep or remain sleeping at night may become a problem. These are a few of the symptoms that can occur following a car wreck. However after a few months, most people’s fear and anxiety dissipate. However with PTSD, these symptoms continue to persist and interfere with their lives.  I often work with insurance companies and lawyers to provide treatment for their clients.  A self-report test is given initially to see if there are sufficient symptoms to warrent a diagnosis of PTSD. This test also determines the severity of the symptoms and ways in which the accident has disrupted a person’s life.

If you have been in a car accident and you are suffering from PTSD, many automobile insurance companies will pay for your treatment. There is no reason to suffer long-term from the consequences of your car wreck. Contact Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP at Total Life Counseling Center at (407) 248-0030 for an initial consultation.

Helpful websites include: www.aest.org.uk; www.ncptsd.va.gov, www.omh.state; www.Sidran.org, www. trauma-pages.com, and www.istss.org

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel,MSW,LCSW,CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression,Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports at http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

Five Reasons To Get Pre-Marital Counseling

Save Your Marriage Before It Starts

Aww, the freshness of spring. The newness of flowers. In Thumper’s words from the movie, Bambi, love has everyone twitter-pated. It’s that time of year when the ladies have bought their wedding gowns, the bakeries are setting up their best wedding cakes in the showcases. Everyone is getting ready for their most expensive event of the year: the summer wedding. But amidst all the excitement, do not forget to continue learning about your fiancé’s goals, dreams, and character.

Though the divorce rate has been declining, there are still only 63% of marriages staying together “til death do you part”. It is extremely important to invest time, money, and energy into pre-marital counseling. We, at Total Life Counseling, take your plans of getting married seriously. At Total Life Counseling, we want to see you continue to grow together and have the tools to learn to love each other all over again for the rest of your lives. When looking for a pre-marital course or counselor, make sure he/she is willing to look at every aspect of a marriage and relationship. The following topics are helpful guidelines:

1. Communication. It is often said that men are clams, and women are like crow bars trying to pry information from their spouse or partner. Or men come from Mars, women are from Venus. Learning how each other communicates is a key to a successful marriage. Learning the tools of how to listen, how to understand different perceptions, knowing how to speak for yourself, and how to let your partner know you understand what they are saying are important keys to learn before entering into a marriage.
2. Attitudes & Expectations. Most couples have discussed their major goals in life, their dreams and aspirations. But during pre-marital counseling, you will want to discuss each other’s attitudes and expectations concerning work, play, and daily household chores. How do you handle the individual steps to getting to the end result?
3. Conflict Resolution. All marriages have problems and conflicts. No two people think or feel exactly the same way. Learn how to handle conflicts, be pro-active in handling your anger, and learn techniques that have been successful in fighting fair.
4. Religious Beliefs. Whether or not you see yourself as religious, it is important to work though your beliefs as individuals and as a couple. How do you see God? Which church will you attend? Will you practice the same beliefs as your extended families?
5. Finances. It is widely known that the #1 reason for divorce is money issues. Make sure that finances and managing money is part of your pre-marital counseling. Work out a budget and have clear expectations before you enter into marriage. Be aware of any previous debts that each other have accrued.
6. Sexuality. Be willing and ready to express yourself openly and honestly in counseling. Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. Each couple should have the freedom to share, to enjoy, to love, and to learn about their sexual needs and desires prior to beginning their marriage relationship. Any prior abuse or traumas need to be discussed in counseling within a safe environment.
7. Family Planning & Children. Though children may not be in your near future, it is necessary to discuss your plans and thoughts about starting a family. Communicating your thoughts and attitudes towards children now, before marriage, spares you many problems, misunderstandings, and heartaches after marriage.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

About the Author: This article was written by Sandi Burchfield. Sandi received her Masters in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University. Cassandra also has her Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology & Criminology from the University of Tampa. Sandi has extensive training and experience working with children and adult victims of sexual and physical abuse, parental neglect, and domestic violence with the Department of Children & Families, as well as with a local domestic violence shelter. She also has experience in working with the Department of Juvenile Justice. Total Life Counseling has offices in Orlando, Winter Park and Clermont Florida.

Five Tips To Stay Married

Do you want to know how you can rekindle the romance and bring that spark back into your marriage? Below are five proactive ways to stay married:

1. Reclaim your date night. Remember staying up all night talking on the phone, or sitting outside in your spouse’s car – just to hear his/her voice a little longer? Did you used to play cards or take the Jet Ski’s out on Saturdays? Don’t give up your date night, just because you have children or because all the bills are due. It is a NECESSITY to learn to play together again. At least once a month, set an appointment to have a date together. Do something you enjoyed before getting married, try something new, and go out to dinner without the kids. And call it a date. Get dressed up or dressed down, whatever fits your personality. The good thing about dates: they don’t have to be costly. Just something fun, something energetic, just the two of you.
2. Boundaries with the Children and Careers. Though the economy is not looking great, don’t go into panic mode chasing the almighty dollar. Your spouse needs your time and attention. Though the children need enriching activities and have important sporting events, they need to see their parents love each other more. Set a limit on how many hours you will work this week. Put the children to bed at an earlier time or enforce quiet time in their rooms after a specific hour. Make sure you have at least 30 minutes of quality time together so you can listen and empathize with your marriage partner’s day. Also, share things with your husband because, he is not a mind reader like the romance novels would lead you to believe. There is a reason why they call those books “Fiction.” Getting to know each other doesn’t stop at “I do”.
3. Allow Each Other To Have Some Space. It isn’t a bad thing to have individual interests. If he wants to play golf, she can spend the time catching up on some shopping with the girls. Make sure to practice appropriate boundaries by sharing your individual interests with the same sex (men go out with male friends; women go out with female friends). Don’t be surprised if you both start to appreciate having new things to share with each other. The old cliché “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” may ring true after you have shared a day apart from one another.
4. Spice Up the Intimate Moments. Have fun giving each other kisses or long embraces, and listen to your kids say, “Ewww, gross!” Send the children to grandma’s or allow them to spend the night with a trusted friend, so you can rekindle the romance in your home. Try new positions, take a bath together, get out the soft music and scented candles. Men, if you prepare your wives, I can almost guarantee she’ll return the favor before the night is over.
5. Fight fair. This can be much more difficult than it sounds. Expect to have disagreements or to get angry at each other when things do not go as planned. But do NOT call each other hurtful names, do NOT say “I don’t love you or I’m going to leave”, and do NOT fight in front of the children if possible. Before you embrace an argument, think about whether or not it is worth the energy. Does it really matter if it was you or him that forgot to turn out the lights or should you save your energy for discussing something that is important like not forgetting to pick up Jane from school again? Remember to pick your battles. Life will go on if the electric bill goes up a few dollars, but will be detrimental if you neglect your parental responsibilities.
The spirit of despair does not have to ruin your marriage. Depression does not have to be a common word in your household. Take steps today to improve the state of your marriage. If you are struggling in your marriage give us a call at Total Life Counseling. It would be our pleasure to come along side you to improve your marriage!! Call us at 407-248-0030 or visit our website at www.totallifecounseling.com

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

About the Author: This article was written by Sandi Burchfield. Sandi received her Masters in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University. Cassandra also has her Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology & Criminology from the University of Tampa. Sandi has extensive training and experience working with children and adult victims of sexual and physical abuse, parental neglect, and domestic violence with the Department of Children & Families, as well as with a local domestic violence shelter. She also has experience in working with the Department of Juvenile Justice. Total Life Counseling has offices in Orlando, Winter Park and Clermont Florida.

Tips to Identify Social Delays?

Leadership Social Skills Groups, Day Camps, Summer Camps & Services in Orlando & Winter Park.

If you can answer yes to 2 or more of these items about your student then they may need help to connect with their peers socially and prepare them for the real world. Here's a few symptoms to look for:

1. Misses Non-Verbal Cues
2. Gets in peers personal space
3. Annoys to get attention because they do not know to get it another way
4. Low Self Confidence
5. Poor Eye Contact
6. Only interested in themselves rather than taking an interest in their peers
7. Talks too much
8. Lacks assertion
9. Impulsive or Blurts out responses
10. Tries too hard to make friends laugh - thinks humor will make them friends.
11. Reacts to teasing and does not know how to roll with conflict
12. Has a need for justice and fairness and judges peers
13. Isolates or withdraws from peers
14. Always wants to be first or wants to play what they want
15. Kids do not call for play dates or to hang out!

Read story below and see if this further confirms what your student needs.

"I was first!" "You are doing it wrong!" "I want to go next!" "Can I be first!" These are a few statements from students that most likely exhibit leadership skills. They are often told to go to the end of the line, or given a consequence for telling someone what to do, but maybe they need someone to tell them "what to do." Silly to think of someone that calls themself a leader, but have yet have no followers. However, there are future leaders around us that need to learn how to find followers to influence, but they just need some direction. We might call them "Bossy" but they are really leaders that need some tweaking. Some might say they are "Caretakers", but really they want to Help others but not sure what is the right way. We might have "Gossipers" or they are just future Communicators that need to learn the how to communicate more positively.

Consider how a student views leadership. Basically, they see leaders (parents, teachers, principal, police) as anyone that "tells them what to do (bosses them)." So when they start to assert their leadership skills they start telling their friends what to do and tell them how to do things and therefore they are called "Bossy." Big surprise! So instead of calling these kids "Bossy" maybe we could give them suggestions on how to lead, affirm, compliment, build others up, brag on other's rather than themself, take an interest in someone's life or passions, offer help to someone, share an idea, etc.

According to Dr. Russell Barkely, MD, students with ADHD/ADD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder) are often 25-30% behind socially and emotionally. Students like these may not have ADHD and need help with boundaries, assertion, impulse control, coping skills, starting conversations, greeting, etc., to help close the gap.

The premise of our Leadership Groups is to teach students leadership. Once they know how to lead and do some of the above listed items, they will in turn make their peers feel good to be around them and gain their influence. Once they have influence they have "friends" and can call themself a leader. Students are taught how to roll with teasing with comical statements that do not provoke their peer.

Our groups incorporate Power Point, a point system, parent involvement, and experiential learning which include games used at ropes courses to improve communication, teamwork, and help students connect with their peers. Students are taught that "Trust" is the glue in relationships and everything we do with our peers either builds trust or breaks trust. Students are encouraged to Re-Build Trust with a peer in our groups by doing something nice for whomever's trust was broken in an effort to repair the trust. Our groups have been very effective and Channel 13 did a story on one of our students who reported having no friends to having friends as a result of our services. Click here to watch the Video.

Our Leadership Summer Camps:

2008 Dates: June 8^th-June 13^th, July 6^th-11^th, Aug 3^rd-8^th, Aug 10^th-15^th

Weekly Price: Early Bird Special $820 per week before 4/1/08 & $845 after 4/1/08

• Camp Application

• Directions to Camp Wewa

• What to Bring to Camp

• Summer Leadership Camp Flyer

Metro West Area Leadership Groups

Mondays at 5pm 1st-4th grade
Mondays at 6pm 5th-9th grade

Leadership Day Camp

Our Leadership Day Camps incorporate the same principles of the groups, but also include the experiential learning of a ropes course. For more information, videos and pictures click here.
Saturday Leadership Camp Date: April 26th, 2008


Additional Groups:
Child or Adolescent Leadership/Social Skills Groups
Anxiety Groups for 3rd-5th Grade
Test Anxiety Group
Abused Women's Group
Substance Abuse Groups-Adolescent
Anger Management Groups
Women's Metro West Addictions & Alcohol Group
Abused Boys
Adolescent Cutters or Self Harm Group


If you know of students or families that would benefit from these services or would like to set up a screening for the group or consultation with James West, MA, LMHC, NCC or if you would like Jim to present at your school, church or organization on this topic or others please call us at Total Life Counseling Center at 407-248-0030.

GIRLS GONE WILD? SEVEN TIPS TO HANDLE SPRING BREAK

What happens in spring break stays in spring break….the well known rule among spring breakers. There is no denying that spring break “activities” are full of high risk behaviors such as excessive drinking, unprotected sex, and hooking up (in more cases then not hooking up during spring break involves alcohol and drug use).

Alcohol and sex play a prominent and potentially dangerous role in spring break trips of college students. Spring break trips involve more or heavier drinking and increased sexual activity than what occurs normally on college campuses. According to a study published in the Journal of American College Health, the average number of drinks consumed per day is 18 for men on spring break and 10 for women.

The American Medical Association with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation in 2006 conducted a poll of more 600 women ages 17 to 35 as part of a program aimed at reducing high-risk drinking on college campuses. A few Key findings of the 2006 American Medical Association poll include:

• An overwhelming majority (83 percent) of women had friends who drank the majority of the nights while on spring break.
• More than half (59 percent) know friends who were sexually active with more than one partner.
• Nearly three out of five women know friends who had unprotected sex during spring break.
  

Each year in Cancun, Mexico, a major spring break destination for American college students, the city and hospitals report an increase in deaths, rapes, injuries, assaults and arrests related to drinking. In Daytona last year county officials reported twice as many rape cases during the month of spring break.

What do these statistics mean? There are a large number of students that drink during this time which means lack of judgment and lower inhibitions. Heavy consumption of alcohol can lead spring breakers down a path they may not be ready to walk. Most spring break activities begin with a wet t-shirt or boxer contest. Through out the week, strip contests along with sexual encounters can be seen openly on the beaches among other “activities”.

HOW YOU CAN PREPARE YOUR TEEN/ YOUNG ADULT FOR SPRING BREAK

Did you know that about 15% of spring breakers are high school students? Although we do not recommend teenagers or young adults to participate in spring break parties, some divorced parents may have trouble agreeing on rules for spring break. What can a parent do to prepare their teenagers/young adults for the spring break experience?

1. SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS. The statistics show that parents are still the most influential people in their teenagers/young adults’ life.

2. TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE RISKS INVOLVED. Remind them of the risks of alcohol, sexual activity, sunburn, and date rape to just name a few. However, the best precautions are the ones that they decide on and take themselves.

3. SHARE EMERGENCY NUMBERS. Create a list of emergency numbers that your teen or young adult will take with them. The list should be kept with them at all times. Parents should also have the hotel number and cell phone numbers for the friends that will be traveling with their teenager/young adult in case of an emergency.

4. COMMIT THEM TO THE “BUDDY SYSTEM”. Make sure your teen or young adult know they should travel in groups – three or more is best.

5. HELP THEM AVOID THEFT. Spring breakers are easy targets for thieves. They should avoid carrying too much cash, wear expensive jewelry, etc.

6. COORDINATE WITH OTHER PARENTS. If possible talk to the parents of the other people that will be traveling with your teenager/young adult. It would be helpful if the parents are being consistent in the approach.

7. ENCOURAGE AN ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK. Many teenagers and young adults are choosing other alternatives for spring break that involve community service. Most colleges now offer a formal alternative to spring break through their student services offices.

If you are interested in booking a seminar on this or other topics please call 407-248-0030.

About the Author: Janie Lacy is a Mental Health Therapist Intern who has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. Janie has invested in the lives of others through public speaking, leadership training, educational instruction and small group ministry. Janie received her Masters of Science degree in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University and her Bachelors of Science degree in Business Administration from the University of Central Florida, specializing in management. Her professional affiliations are with the American Counseling Association, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the Florida Mental Health Counselors Association. www.totallifecounseling.com

Children and Divorce: The Top Ten Avoidable Mistakes

6. Date in front of children the first year after divorce
7. Make promises you can’t keep
8. Make child feel one parent is the “good” parent and the other the “bad” parent
9. Have different rules at each house
10. Discuss money matters with the child


In previous newsletters, we have addressed the top five avoidable mistakes. The sixth mistake is dating before nine months to a year after the divorce. Both parents and children need time for the transition to a “single parent” home to become more comfortable. Divorce causes a loss of emotional security in children, and it is important for them to become emotionally strong before they face the prospect of having new significant adults in their life, never knowing how long they will remain.

Parent dating also hinders the development of healthy routines at a critical time in the life of the children. Dating soon after a divorce will also more likely result in the children viewing the date as a threat - robbing them of needed time with their parent. When it is time to date, the parent should discuss the issue with their child beforehand, and if the relationship starts to become serious, the parent should look for activities that would involve the child, too.

Mistake seven involves making promises you can’t keep. Because children are emotionally vulnerable after a divorce, they are more likely to view a broken promise as a reflection of how much they are valued as opposed to it just being due to a mistake by an over-extended parent.

The “good parent” – “bad parent” mistake puts undue pressure on children to choose sides. Generally, children want to be loved by both parents and it is important for their adjustment to love and be close to both their parents.

The ninth mistake is to have a different set of rules at each house. Reestablishing stability in the lives of the children is critical, as divorce gives children the feeling that their world is spinning out of control. Parents who agree to provide consistent rules and expectations for their children will help rebuild their security.

The final mistake is to discuss money matters with the child. Generally, divorce creates financial strain for both parties, and this can naturally lead to comments that may unintentionally communicate worry and fear to the children. Children may then feel guilty for asking for even basic items such as school supplies or clothing, or they make take on the burden of seeking someway for them to provide for the family.

Total Life Counseling is committed to helping families in crisis. We are starting a divorce recovery group of children in 3rd through 5th grade. Call (407)248-0030 to reserve a place in the group for your child!

Helpful resources on the internet regarding children and divorce include:
www.Kidshealth.org www.Kidsturn.org and www.Childrenanddivorce.com

Note: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, as long as you leave the author’s contact information intact. About the author: Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Self-Injurious Behavior, and Sexual Abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers-FL, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, Seminole County Child Protection Conference, and school in-services.

Children and Divorce: The Top Ten Mistakes Continued

1. Battle in front of the children
2. Use the child as a messenger
3. Put child in a “parent role”
4. Disrupt the usual support systems for children
5. Become the “Disney” parent
6. Date in front of children the first year after divorce
7. Make promises you can’t keep
8. Make child feel one parent is the “good” parent and the other the “bad” parent
9. Have different rules at each house
10. Discuss money matters with the child.

In response to “Divorce Awareness Month”, I am continuing to write a series of articles relating to Children and Divorce and the mistakes parents make. The first two of the top ten mistakes appeared in the previous article. Today we will look at the next three mistakes.

The third mistake is putting children in parental roles. Although the statements that “now he is the man of the house or isn’t she mommy’s little helper” may be viewed as complementary, they can lead to long-term problems. Children may believe that they need to assume responsibility for taking care of a parent or the household. Parents may put the child in the position of meeting their emotional needs by discussing personal issues or treating them as their absent partner.

It is difficult to imagine any negative effect when these children appear very responsible, well-behaved, and mature beyond their age. But that is the point, it is just appearance.
Childhood is the time to develop a healthy identity, and this self-knowledge is gained in a nurturing environment where responsibilities are age-appropriate. Forcing children to bear adult responsibilities can create a distorted identity with areas of emotional emptiness, leading to later difficulties in setting boundaries, relating to peers, and forming intimate relationships.

The next mistake involves disrupting the usual support system for the children. Children not only gain support and security from their parents, but also from friends, extended family, school, church, and from outside activities such as athletic programs. Children who are taken away from all their sources of support, nurture, and joy face additional trauma that may be overwhelming, especially in light of what they are already facing at home. Parents should make every effort to let these other areas of support continue to nurture and encourage their children, enlisting relatives from both sides of the family help the child maintain a sense of security and emotional support.

The fifth mistake is becoming the “Disney” parent. All parents like to see their children happy, but divorced parents are often motivated by guilt and/or the desire to be the child’s favorite. But this may lead parents to stop being parents, and to trade long-term maturity for short-term fun. “I only have them for the weekend” becomes an excuse to replace rules and responsibilities with entertainment and gifts. In their immaturity, children can encourage this lack of parenting by equating the parent whom they have the most fun with as the parent whom they love the most. This situation, however, does not equip them for the reality that life is about following rules and assuming responsibilities. Consequently, it is important to remember that children need the direction and guidance of their parent and not another playmate.